by Rachel Alexandria | Sep 26, 2024 | articles |
I can’t wear that (or do that or say that)! What will people think?!”What. Will. People. Think.Four of the most harmful words ever strung together.Before you ever said this to yourself, you heard it from someone else, likely a parent. And sure, maybe they...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jul 24, 2024 | articles |
“I thought things were getting better. We had such a good talk last time, but just now I got this message and she’s back to pulling the same crap! I’m so frustrated.” Dealing with chronically difficult people can make us feel crazy. My client...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jul 24, 2024 | articles |
“I’ve been making a lot of changes in my life and I kind of don’t fit in my special interest groups anymore. How do I continue to be with my people when we no longer share as much in common?” I had the opportunity to answer this question while...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jul 17, 2024 | articles |
The first time I ever confessed a crush to someone, I cried. I was experiencing a lot of fear around saying how I truly felt to someone when I didn’t know how they might respond. Honestly, it was messy and I felt very awkward. But when I look back, I don’t...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jul 10, 2024 | articles |
“I hate crying.” “I don’t like to think about that.” “That hurts too much. Let’s not go there.” We try to protect ourselves from emotional pain because it sucks to feel it. Sometimes we’ve even been taught to not...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jul 3, 2024 | articles |
“Part of me is so critical and judgey—it doesn’t even want to listen to reason and it doesn’t trust me.” There’s a secret messiness we experience when we can’t find peace inside ourselves. When our parts are cold and judgmental...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jun 26, 2024 | articles |
“The terrible thing was I just froze. I didn’t know what to do. Now I feel so ashamed.” If you’re a high performer like me, not knowing what to do is one of your worst nightmares. It feels pretty scary to be standing there without a reasonable...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jun 19, 2024 | articles |
“I’ve been working sooo hard for months, but I’m still not receiving what I want!” Usually I start an email sharing a client story, but this was ME, crying to my teacher recently. I share it because I know it’s you, too. We are...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jun 5, 2024 | articles |
“I feel like I’ve worked on this before, but it’s still happening! Why can’t I get this to change?” If you’re like most people I work with, you’re very smart and high-achieving. You know how to educate yourself and apply your...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jun 1, 2024 | articles |
“I felt so good after last session, but a week later, I feel weighted down again and back to thinking I’m a bad person. Why does this keep happening to me?!” My client, a very wise person, couldn’t stop himself from falling into his harmful...
by Rachel Alexandria | May 29, 2024 | articles |
“Yeah, I know what happened was messed up, but it’s fine. I was fine.” My client was processing when their mental health took a nosedive. They described a really toxic workplace culture that they had to keep returning to for far too long. Then they...
by Rachel Alexandria | May 20, 2024 | articles |
“My house is currently a nightmare.” “No one in my family is talking to each other right now.” “I’m in a lot of credit card debt, even though I make plenty of money. I am terrified to look at my finances.” Being a...
by Rachel Alexandria | May 13, 2024 | articles |
“I can’t let go of this disappointment I feel towards my brother. Our parents taught us better than that.” I was coaching someone who was planning a difficult conversation with her brother and she kept getting blended with the way her parents felt...
by Rachel Alexandria | May 6, 2024 | articles |
Most of us are not going to get everything we ever wanted. You might think this is a bummer of a topic to start the year off with. But hear me out—accepting that we don’t get everything we want is THE WAY to get out of constant suffering. Art Credit:...
by Rachel Alexandria | Apr 29, 2024 | articles |
“I don’t know what I need right now.”Someone sitting in my Soul School hotseat is struggling through a healing process and I ask what they need in that moment. And they can’t tell me. This is remarkably common. Most people do NOT know what they...
by Rachel Alexandria | Apr 22, 2024 | articles |
“I want to care, but I just don’t right now.” Have you experienced the apathy that comes with extra stress or grief? People have a limited amount of care they can invest in life tasks. When we are are processing something big, like grief, we...
by Rachel Alexandria | Apr 15, 2024 | articles |
“Ugh, I feel so frustrated with myself! I just want my parts to cooperate.” After you’ve been working on yourself for a few years, you may get annoyed with yourself when you keep doing a behavior you already know isn’t helpful. You’ve...
by Rachel Alexandria | Apr 8, 2024 | articles |
“I was pretty irritated, but it was gonna be a a whole thing if I brought it up, so I just swallowed it.” Our lives are full of petty frustrations with other people, ranging from basically insignificant all the way up to serious conflicts. How do you tend...
by Rachel Alexandria | Oct 9, 2023 | articles |
“I really don’t like it when he buys me perfume, but I can’t tell him that. He’ll be so sad.” “I feel guilty that I’m not helping my friend, so when they mention their need, I just politely nod and then change the...
by Rachel Alexandria | Sep 19, 2023 | articles |
I talked with someone last week who was very invested in making sure he was learning from his failures. “Great idea,” I said, “but how are you doing that?” He had no answer. How many times in life do we walk down a street with a hole in it,...
by Rachel Alexandria | Sep 12, 2023 | articles |
“I finally made an appointment with that doctor, and they just prescribed me the same thing I was already taking.” “This is the third therapist I’ve tried and I’m not feeling any better.” “I’ve asked everyone I can think...
by Rachel Alexandria | Sep 4, 2023 | articles |
You’re a pretty good person. You mostly follow the rules. You eat your veggies. You leave a note when you scrape someone else’s car by accident. You do sweet things for your friends and family. And you only ask for really necessary help from the Universe....
by Rachel Alexandria | Aug 28, 2023 | articles |
“I was praying to The Universe to hook me up with this promotion, but then I started feeling guilty. Like plenty of people have it so much worse than me…I probably shouldn’t be so greedy.” Do you ever feel like The Universe (or God or Spirit or...
by Rachel Alexandria | Aug 21, 2023 | articles |
“I don’t understand why my mom is so awful to me. Even when I try my hardest to stay calm and speak kindly to her, she lashes out.” I see this often—my clients struggle to comprehend why people have treated them badly, especially in their childhood....
by Rachel Alexandria | Aug 14, 2023 | articles |
“I’m afraid I might die before I ever get there.” This was 17-year-old me talking to my mom a month before I was going away to college. It was a slow summer at home and the long-anticipated move was approaching, but I started getting really worried....
by Rachel Alexandria | Aug 1, 2023 | articles |
“It’s so hard to tell if that’s my intuition or my fear!! How do I really know if this is a message from my Soul? What if I’m just overthinking it, like always?” My client raised a critical point here. We don’t have much training in...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jul 24, 2023 | articles |
“Omg, I thought I was the only one!” “No, girl, me too!” Dr. Brené Brown talks about the healing power of the words, “Me too” especially when it comes to getting rid of shame. Empathy is the antidote to the corrosiveness of shame....
by Rachel Alexandria | Jul 10, 2023 | articles |
“…and then my boyfriend said he thought we should see other people. I got super sick after that, with some kind of weird bacterial infection that hit my gall bladder. Also, my boss has been being pretty crappy with me for having to take time off....
by Rachel Alexandria | Jul 3, 2023 | articles |
My massage therapist pressed on a muscle beneath my shoulder blade, and I could feel it—that sudden surge of emotion that meant I was gonna cry. On the table, face in the cradle, I let it out. Later, I was at home watching a movie and felt inundated with all the...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jun 26, 2023 | articles |
I think about my negative patterns all the time and I know what I should do. With all this time I’m spending thinking about it, why doesn’t it ever get better?! Thinking about an inner action, for example, forgiving yourself, is different than actually...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jun 19, 2023 | articles |
You don’t have to be small in order to belong. You don’t have to shrink down to be accepted.You don’t have to constantly make space for everyone else.If you grew up trained to be a “good girl” (ahem), you may have gotten messages like I...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jun 12, 2023 | articles |
Have you ever watched a kid learn to skateboard? They take so many runs at it, and so many falls. But when they are determined, they somehow keep getting back up and trying again. Eventually, they are zooming around the parking lots with looks of glee on their faces....
by Rachel Alexandria | Jun 5, 2023 | articles |
Before I sat down to write this post, I was feeling all bleh and stuck. I had the afternoon blahs. And I knew it was because I had been in Zoom meetings and client sessions all day. So I took the dog on a walk and threw his ball for a while. And I trusted that would...
by Rachel Alexandria | May 30, 2023 | articles |
“You should have known better.” That’s the phrase I dreaded hearing in my youth. When I would make a mistake and get found out, my parents or my boss would look disappointed and trot out that comment. In my last decade, I started really challenging...
by Rachel Alexandria | May 29, 2023 | articles |
“Wow, I feel great right now. I’m so glad to not be suffering like that. But I’m really scared this feeling will go away.” Do you ever feel like my client did here? Feeling grateful for experiencing relief from mental suffering, but also...
by Rachel Alexandria | May 22, 2023 | articles |
Have you ever started a new job and wanted to bring your best to it but felt like you just didn’t know enough and were going to fail?What about a time where you just started learning a skill like painting and felt scared to put the brush on the canvas?There are so...
by Rachel Alexandria | May 15, 2023 | articles |
Ever have a conversation with someone that just goes off the rails? One minute, you’re just casually chatting about something innocuous like your favorite TV show, and the next moment, they’ve got some heat in their voice and a tear in their eyes. Somehow...
by Rachel Alexandria | May 8, 2023 | articles |
“If you are in the wrong market, you’re going to be undervalued.” I said this to a client this morning as we were looking at her pattern of seeking approval from the wrong people. How many times have you felt ineffective or not appreciated by the...
by Rachel Alexandria | May 1, 2023 | articles |
Ever get hurt by someone and then exclaim,”Why are they doing this to me?!” We tend to think that people are as aware of us as we are of ourselves. And this is just untrue. Most folks are just pinging around life like they are in a pinball game. People run...
by Rachel Alexandria | Apr 28, 2023 | articles |
“I know money is fickle and it goes where it wants.” “I know I don’t have the right to demand health from the Universe.” “I know I can’t just cut people out of my life because that’s not unconditional love.” As a...
by Rachel Alexandria | Apr 17, 2023 | articles |
How do you know that you’re caught in reactivity? Most of us have been a ways down a course of behavior before we look up and say, “oh crap, how did I get here?!” After thirty minutes of ranting at a friend or yelling at our spouse, only then do we...
by Rachel Alexandria | Apr 6, 2023 | articles |
Do you like conflict? Okay, who says yes to that question? Only people who audition for reality shows, I think. Here’s a very personal confession: I hate conflict. Like, HAAAATE it. I used to believe that finding a way to avoid conflict was the best thing I...
by Rachel Alexandria | Apr 5, 2023 | articles |
💭 “I really want that ice cream cone?” 🙅🏽♀️ “No, I shouldn’t have it. It’s too late at night. I’m already full. I won’t feel good afterwards…” 💭 “Omg, I did something so embarrassing in that meeting!...
by Rachel Alexandria | Mar 27, 2023 | articles |
“What’s the best path for me? How do I even know?” My client and I were talking about how to make sense of all the different types of personal development out there. Should she follow Buddhism or Yoga or Martha Beck or Oprah? For some...
by Rachel Alexandria | Mar 20, 2023 | articles |
“What about letting gray hair grow is courageous, exactly?” That was what actress Sarah Jessica Parker said when being called “brave” for aging naturally and letting her gray hair shine. I’m gonna disagree with the fabulous SJP and say it...
by Rachel Alexandria | Mar 13, 2023 | articles |
“You are so stunning and kind-hearted. You are brilliant and talented and successful. You think deeply about the people in your life and anyone would be so lucky to date you!” Hearing this compliment, my friend smiled…at first. But the longer the...
by Rachel Alexandria | Mar 6, 2023 | articles |
Do you always put yourself last? I was discussing with my massage therapist how often people see self-care appointments like massage as “luxury” rather than standard personal care. I notice that, especially as I get older, I have more people telling me...
by Rachel Alexandria | Feb 27, 2023 | articles |
On the heels of my post about how there are no rewards for everyday greatness, I remembered a pivotal moment in my life that I want to share with you. Years ago, I tried to lead a group of senior colleagues in planning a big event. A couple people challenged me, with...
by Rachel Alexandria | Feb 20, 2023 | articles |
A client texted me, “I get so frustrated / disappointed when I’m hit with waves of sadness or anger. I have this belief that if I was doing my inner work “right,” I wouldn’t be experiencing those big waves of emotion.” We think there’s a point where we...
by Rachel Alexandria | Feb 20, 2023 | articles |
Not sending a birthday card. Not showing up for the baby shower. Ignoring their text. Even when we make these choices for a good reason, we can still feel so guilty! So let’s talk about when that guilty feeling is useful…and when it really isn’t....
by Rachel Alexandria | Feb 16, 2023 | articles |
“This award for achievement and excellence in their field goes out to…!” Wouldn’t it be awesome if the world celebrated our personal accomplishments the way we do celebrities? Not a competitive awards show like the Grammys, but with big fanfare...
by Rachel Alexandria | Feb 7, 2023 | articles |
Have you ever gotten partway through a book or movie that you didn’t like, but decided to stick with it and finish it? What about a dessert that really doesn’t taste good, but you choke it down anyway because you spent $6 to get it? Maybe you’re hanging in...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jan 26, 2023 | articles |
I’m traveling this week to help my mom recover from a surgery (healing energy and good vibes for her healthy recovery are appreciated!) and there’s also a lot of heart-holding I’m doing for friends and clients right now. Yesterday, my car gave me a...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jan 18, 2023 | articles |
Why don’t some people seem to care when they have hurt us? When you have LOTS of empathy for others, it’s a strong motivator to not cause harm because you can feel the impact of the harm. You care. It makes you feel bad and want to make amends and do...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jan 10, 2023 | articles |
“I know that 75 lbs feels heavy and you want to protect your knee, but trust me and try to lift it anyway.” I’m swearing at my trainer under my breath (just kidding, Brandon!), but I know he’s right. The body doesn’t WANT to do hard...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jan 5, 2023 | articles |
Ever hear the expression, “you should be kind because you never know what other people are going through”? I’m gonna blow your mind right now — You should also be kind to yourself because, friend, you probably have no idea what YOU are going...
by Rachel Alexandria | Dec 16, 2022 | articles |
Ever notice that during certain times in life you are supposed to feel a specific way, and if you don’t, it’s not okay? Like, you’re on vacation so you’re supposed to have the best time ever… Or it’s your birthday and you should...
by Rachel Alexandria | Nov 30, 2022 | articles |
“He wouldn’t change it the way I told him and I got irrationally angry!” “They haven’t responded to my call in over an hour and I’m freaking out.” We see the impact of past trauma everywhere. It’s hiding in plain sight,...
by Rachel Alexandria | Nov 20, 2022 | articles |
“Oh, I didn’t have as bad as others, so I’m fine.” “It’s really not that big of a deal.” “It happened a really long time ago. I’m over it.” Have you ever said that in conversation? Yet, when you’re driving home or you get off the zoom call, an uncomfortable...
by Rachel Alexandria | Nov 4, 2022 | articles |
“Hey friend, watch what I can do!” I excitedly dipped my knees towards the ground in an extended squat to show off the progress I’ve made in my flexibility…and then my problem knee twinged painfully. Rather than get upset or feel deflated about...
by Rachel Alexandria | Oct 28, 2022 | articles |
Recently, American singer and recording artist, Lizzo, was asked why she doesn’t “clap back’ at her haters. The singer often shares on her social media how she’s vegan, works out daily, and practices self-love despite constant criticism and jokes about her...
by Rachel Alexandria | Oct 25, 2022 | articles |
October started as a fantastic month! I had a huge moment of clarity in my professional life, which I’ll share more about in another email. I finally felt on top of my game for the first time since my bout with grief that began in June. My creativity and energy...
by Rachel Alexandria | Sep 29, 2022 | articles |
Before you step onto the train, or the Embankment Station, as they call it in the U.K., a voice comes over the intercom saying, “Mind the Gap.” It essentially means watch out for the space between the station platform and the train as it’s coming....
by Rachel Alexandria | Sep 25, 2022 | articles |
Ever finish a big celebratory event like a family party or fundraiser feeling amazing, but then the next day, you feel like you got run over by a truck? Or have you had the experience of setting up a conversation with a difficult person, which feels important but...
by Rachel Alexandria | Sep 19, 2022 | articles |
You may have heard the phrase, “Most people go to therapy to learn how to deal with people who won’t go to therapy.” Funny, but true, right? The foundation of most healthy relationships is well-set boundaries. Most people think boundaries mean cutting...
by Rachel Alexandria | Sep 10, 2022 | articles |
Have you ever watched those nature shows where you see a predator animal like a cheetah or hyena hunting for its food? You’re glued to the TV. It’s mesmerizing watching how adaptable and agile the predator is. It’s equally captivating to see what’s being hunted...
by Rachel Alexandria | Sep 4, 2022 | articles |
Have you ever worked hard on a project, only to have your boss never mention it? Take extra time to get dressed up for “date night” and your spouse doesn’t say anything? Go out of your way for the school fundraiser and no one acknowledges it? Resentment...
by Rachel Alexandria | Aug 28, 2022 | articles |
Have you ever wondered how someone becomes a people-pleaser? The short answer is they feel like they’re doing a good thing by being a good person and making sure everyone around them feels good. Isn’t this being a good person? Well, no. It’s lovely to care...
by Rachel Alexandria | Aug 18, 2022 | articles |
One of the biggest factors in an existential crisis is feeling disconnected from your own soul or heart. When you haven’t been listening to your heart for a long time, you can start to feel empty. You may notice most things don’t bring you a sense of...
by Rachel Alexandria | Aug 7, 2022 | articles |
“I gotta go home for Thanksgiving, because if I don’t go, I’ll hear about it for months.” “Oh god, my sister is calling for the fourth time this week and I just don’t want to pick up the phone, but I have to.” How many times...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jul 18, 2022 | articles |
How do you deal when the going gets tough? I love a good reality show because, as a psychology nerd, I learn so much about how people work — how they fail, how they deal with inner flaws, and how they get back up again. Snowflake Mountain on Netflix is the...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jul 14, 2022 | articles |
“Don’t give up before the miracle.” “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.” “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Wisdom is abundant these days; you see a slew of inspirational quotes every...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jun 22, 2022 | articles |
Ever watch someone handle a difficult situation with grace, instead of snapping back or losing their self-control? You might think to yourself, “I wish I could do that. I have no idea how they are so calm!” Meanwhile, you find yourself doing or saying...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jun 15, 2022 | articles |
“Would you like to brush your teeth this evening?” “I understand you’re mad, but would you be willing to stop yelling?” As parents, we’d never say that. We don’t give kids options. We set boundaries and stick to it. That’s what helps kids grow...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jun 6, 2022 | articles |
Unless you’ve been living under a grey rock, you’ve heard about the “Great Resignation.” It’s the global phenomenon where people began leaving their jobs en masse in 2021. We are, collectively, tired of not be treated right, of being taken for granted, and...
by Rachel Alexandria | May 30, 2022 | articles |
(Harmful people post 2 of 2. See Harmful People Warning Signs here.) Once you’re able to spot harmful people, what can you do about them? First, remember it’s not your job to fix anyone, and the more you try, the more it erodes away your own confidence and...
by Rachel Alexandria | May 25, 2022 | articles |
(Harmful people post 1 of 2) You’ve probably heard about “toxic relationships” or difficult people (or toxic people and difficult relationships). In this post I’m using the term “harmful people” to encompass all of those things. I...
by Rachel Alexandria | May 8, 2022 | articles |
“Just cut them out of your life.” You’ve probably heard this advice when talking about dealing with harmful, abusive people, BUT….. What happens when you can’t just have them be dead to you? If it’s a parent, boss, teammate, or sibling, sometimes you...
by Rachel Alexandria | May 1, 2022 | articles |
Have you ever had this happen? You tell yourself, “Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry… keep it together… don’t cry” … …… And then the water works. Why can’t we control those damn emotions?! Emotions are so inconvenient and messy — I know you...
by Rachel Alexandria | Oct 7, 2021 | articles |
We are living in unpredictable and difficult times. There is so much we haven’t been taught to do that we need in order to stay healthy and have our energy flowing well. Stuff like shedding what doesn’t belong to us, including what I’m calling “ghost...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jul 28, 2021 | articles |
We want to be well-liked, but in trying to please everyone and prevent hurt feelings, we often end up creating the very drama we sought to avoid. In this article, I’m sharing the six ways we tend to avoid conflict with a coping behavior. What I discovered when...
by Rachel Alexandria | Feb 1, 2018 | articles |
Last year we dropped Who is in Charge of Your Brain? into the world and your feedback was overwhelmingly positive. But then I started hearing from enthusiastic readers that they wanted a follow-up. The book is just a wonderful taster, and they crave a next step into...
by Rachel Alexandria | Sep 7, 2017 | articles |
Join me for the official launch of my new book, Who is in Charge of Your Brain?! At 11:30 AM PT on Friday, September 8, 2017, this video screen *should* become live. I’ll be reading you the full book, complete with some character voices, plus sharing where you...
by Rachel Alexandria | Mar 1, 2017 | articles |
One of the things I love about social media is how it allows me to encounter, follow, and connect with so many bright minds. I’ve been struck in the last couple years by the passionate, brilliant freethinkers I’ve met, and after a while, a thread emerged...
by Rachel Alexandria | Oct 5, 2016 | articles |
“Well, aren’t you optimistic?” That was the first thing an elderly stranger said to me as I walked into the elevator. It is late September here in the Northwest, and I was wearing short shorts and a tank top with a jacket over it. She had taken it all in with an...
by Rachel Alexandria | Sep 23, 2016 | articles |
I offered an online intro class to cover some basics for how to cope when conflict arises. I created this in hopes of supporting you to feel more able to speak up on behalf of your beliefs and create change…without worrying as much about people disagreeing or...
by Rachel Alexandria | Sep 14, 2016 | articles |
“I don’t want to have to ‘handle’ people.” “I don’t want to be a hardass.” “I get so tired of saying ‘no’.” I see a lot of people who don’t like how they have to act in order to be...
by Rachel Alexandria | Aug 25, 2016 | articles |
What happens when you truly allow yourself to experience your anger? One of three things… Click play on this short video to hear my take on what you’ll find under your anger.
by Rachel Alexandria | Jul 20, 2016 | articles |
I asked this question on Facebook and got a number of answers (thank you, brave souls) that boiled down to two main obstacles: FEAR Timing Timing, I get, and I support that. Some movements in our lives need us to, as Captain Jack Sparrow says, “wait for the...
by Rachel Alexandria | Sep 1, 2015 | articles |
How often do you feel you have to accommodate what’s happening in your life? How frequently do you think it’s your job to adapt to the situation, rather than asking for someone else to change? As a Good Girls, we will change ourselves and push down our...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jul 23, 2015 | articles |
Sometimes my job is to help people hit the Wall of Futility with both more expediency and compassion than they would on their own. Hitting the Wall of Futility (an expression I first read in an amazing book called “Parenting Without Power Struggles”) is a...
by Rachel Alexandria | May 1, 2015 | articles |
People come into therapy because they are unhappy, in pain, angry, sad, etc. Essentially, things have gotten bad enough (emotionally, at least) that they realize they need help. And then they come in for the first visit, delve into the story and their anguish, and...
by Rachel Alexandria | Apr 28, 2015 | articles |
“Rachel, I have to tell you about what’s happened since we worked together last spring. The thing I got really clear on was that I didn’t have to change my boyfriend for it to be a good experience. When we talked about leaving him better than I found...
by Rachel Alexandria | Mar 10, 2015 | articles |
If you’ve been reading my posts for a while, you know I’ve always got some personal growth “thing” that I’m working on…and what’s been coming up in spades lately is surrender. I remember a friend once evoking it like in the Wizard of Oz, when the witch writes...
by Rachel Alexandria | Jun 8, 2014 | articles |
I got the nudge to visit the naked lady spa tonight. It was 9pm. I was in Eastlake, just leaving my office, and they close at 10. “Really?” I thought to myself. “That seems not quite right. It’ll be a lot of money for only a little bit of...
