Why don’t some people seem to care when they have hurt us?
“I tried to point out to him that his actions were going hurt our whole team, and he just waved his hand. That’s not the first time I brought it up. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t get it!”
When you have LOTS of empathy for others, it’s a strong motivator to not cause harm because you can feel the impact of the harm. You care. It makes you feel bad and want to make amends and do things better in the future.
Not everyone has this experience, however. The ability to “feel with” other’s emotions happens on a spectrum. Some of us (loosely assessed at 20% of the population) are highly empathetic. An even smaller percentage of us, like yours truly, are “super empaths” (a recent study says 1-2% of people).
The problem is that we assume other people are just like us.
But there are 80% of folks who don’t have as strong a sense of empathy–somewhat less to a LOT less. They simply don’t really *get* it when they cause hurt. It’s like folks who don’t have a strong reaction to spicy food and can eat lots of it compared to those who feel spice very strongly and need the heat turned way down.
When you are an empathetic person, you subconsciously believe that others will respond to the same behavioral cues that you do. In other words, if YOU would respond to a hurt friend by listening deeper and apologizing and taking ownership of your part, you naturally assume other people will react this way, too.
So when you’re hurt, you try to show other folks the hurt, hoping they will respond like you do. But folks with lower levels of empathy won’t be cued by that trigger. They won’t notice or they won’t respond with an outreach of care.
But this does not compute for you. How can they be this way? They must not have understood. You keep raising the flag, waiting for them to respond. But they don’t. The cycle repeats.
You think pointing at the wound means any person will respond with care and attention. But when someone doesn’t, even after you’ve made your best attempts to communicate the harm, it’s time to move on.
Continuing to wait for recognition of the injury, let alone an apology or change, from people who just won’t get it actually creates more harm for you. You continue not being seen, not being validated, not getting what you need.
Sometimes we just have to accept that we are digging a dry well. Stop digging there and get out of the hole, my friend.
So what else can you do with this unrecognized hurt?
If you catch yourself saying, “Why can’t they just apologize? Why does she keep judging me? Why can’t he understand how ghosting me makes me feel like crap?”
It’s time to accept that this is how they ARE, and then make a different choice.
Put the focus back on yourself. Validate your own emotions.
You can say to yourself, “I feel angry. I feel sad. They hurt me and they don’t see it, but *I* do. My hurt is valid.”
Accept your own internal experience, make space to feel your emotions, and give yourself some nurturing care. You can also ask a good friend to hold space and reflect to you what you need to hear, while you focus on actually taking it in.
When we can validate ourselves instead of waiting for the validation from others who won’t (or can’t) give it, we can begin to shift relationship patterns that keep us stuck so that we can actually move on.
If you’re ready for more serious help in shifting your painful relationships so you can build connections that actually make you feel good, I can help.
For more on decluttering your relationships, check out this post about how we put more energy into relationships that don’t deserve it just because of previous time investment and why to not do that.
