“I don’t know what I need right now.”

Someone sitting in my Soul School hotseat is struggling through a healing process and I ask what they need in that moment.
And they can’t tell me.

This is remarkably common. Most people do NOT know what they need, especially when they are hurting.

Figuring out what you need shouldn’t be a huge mystery to solve.

 gif of a woman looking through a magnifying glass and looking aroundCredit: @YuraYunita


Most of us were never taught how to listen to our inner hungers. We were taught instead to eat, sleep, play, and work on external schedules that someone else designed.

And then we feel messy inside because we follow the schedule, but don’t feel how we are “supposed to feel.”

“I’m doing all the right things—I should feel happy. What’s wrong with me?!”


purple image with gold post it reading "High Performers Secret Messes Look Like: not knowing what you need"


People’s needs are specific and unique to each of them.

If you don’t know what you need, the chances that anyone else can help you are very slim.

We all walk around guessing and making assumptions about other people’s needs, and trying to meet them without asking first. This leads to so many missed connections, confusion, and frustration.

To get out of your secret mess and get clear about what your needs are —

take a look at this image below of common needs people will have and download a more detailed PDF with all the needs in each category here.


image of seven bubbles hovering around a center dot labeled "NEEDS". Outer bubbles each read: Connection, Honesty, Play, Physical Well-Being, Autonomy, Peace, Meaning


(I sourced this list from the work of Marshall Rosenberg and Nonviolent Communication.)

Once you see what needs you have, it becomes so much easier to advocate for them and make it easier for people to help you. Take a look and see what what happens when you have clarity about what you need.


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