“I feel like I’ve mostly got my shit together, but when I get around my family, I get so easily upset again. I’m not scared of anyone at work, but my dad gets that look on his face, and I just cower. What gives?!”
My friend, it’s normal if you, like my client here, have a harder time staying calm and strong when you’re surrounded by your family of origin (folks who raised you).
You get angry really quickly, or you shrink back from confrontation. Maybe you dissolve in tears when your sister brings up that hot button issue for the millionth time, EVEN THOUGH you’ve WORKED ON THAT so much in THERAPY!
It feels like you lose some of your sense of self, some of the confident adult-ness you’ve worked so hard to build.
Credit: @Mena-Gonzalez
The stuff family does pushes all of our buttons because…drum roll….they CREATED those buttons!
We get so triggered around family because we tend to revert to a younger version of ourselves that we were when we lived with them (I love how the sitcom How I Met Your Mother calls this phenomenon “revertigo”).
Another way to look at this is to understand that your parents and/or siblings tend to activate your inner child or inner teenager. The parts inside you that were most upset or hurt or angered by them are the parts that are still holding those hurts and will flare up and take control of your consciousness.
Your inner child is driving the bus, and it’s freaked out.
To get back in control of yourself and your reactions, start by recognizing when a younger part of you is flaring up. If you feel like a scared or angry or out-of-control kid, that’s your indication that a young part of you is activated. What you can do then is offer that part of you some compassion and care.
Give yourself a time out by walking outside, going to the bathroom, or taking a short drive. Take some deep breaths. Then there’s a few ways to give care to your inner child, but I like to visualize and focus on feeling my adult self hugging a small child version of me.
You don’t have to do this perfectly. Even taking a few moments to soothe and care for your inner child can help them feel like an adult is on their side.
If you’d like to improve your ability to support your inner child, you can join my weekly group, or book a chat with me.