“I felt so good after last session, but a week later, I feel weighted down again and back to thinking I’m a bad person. Why does this keep happening to me?!”
My client, a very wise person, couldn’t stop himself from falling into his harmful ways of talking to himself. He trusted himself when he was completely grounded, but soon all the doubts would creep in.
He KNEW that he was making the right choice in a complex situation, but he felt simultaneously guilty, ashamed and terrible about it.
It’s a weird thing about human psychology and how our brains work—we can “know” a fact, but still “feel” like that fact is wrong.
We can know we aren’t bad people, yet still “feel” like we are bad.
This creates a crazy-making loop of remembering and forgetting the truth* about ourselves. Like walking down the same street that has a hole in it and falling down it over and over again.
It’s time to stop forgetting or pretending you don’t have places you fall down.
If you’re sick of falling in the hole, here’s what you can do:
ACCEPT that you have patterns.
Yep, those are your secret messes. You have them like everyone else. Things you wish you didn’t do, things that you feel embarrassed about.
For example, I know I can get small and scared when confronted with a task that I have no idea how to do. It has felt shameful in the past because I’m a strong, successful, smart person, and yet…
Then, EXPECT your patterns to show up.
Be ready for them. Anticipate that they will come up.
Have a plan to act when you see them peaking over the horizon.
In my example, instead of running from my feeling or endlessly procrastinating to avoid it, I decided to recognize and anticipate my pattern. When it happens, I enact my plan to solicit help and to explain my emotional process to cut down on confusion or complications.
When you accept and then begin to expect that you have negative patterns or loops, you put yourself back in the position of power.
You’re able to plan and respond, even when times get rough or you get triggered.
* The truth is, of course, that you are worthy and deeply lovable.
