“I thought things were getting better. We had such a good talk last time, but just now I got this message and she’s back to pulling the same crap! I’m so frustrated.”
Dealing with chronically difficult people can make us feel crazy. My client was trying to negotiate splitting up a business partnership with someone who likely had borderline personality disorder (BPD), and they just couldn’t make any headway. One day, they were in agreement, and a couple days later, there were ten more unreasonable demands.
Other clients have similar stories with controlling ex-partners or BPD moms or narcissistic dads. They just want to be fair and reasonable, but no matter how hard they try, they keep getting sucked into a mire of gaslighting and drama.
Ahh, nooo, the emotional sinkhole! (Credit: Robert Ek)
As I sat with a client going through this recently, I hand sketched them a flowchart for how to get out of the quicksand.
One of the hardest things that happens when we are dealing with chronically difficult people is that they use emotional manipulation and gaslighting to make us doubt ourselves. They don’t fight fair. So the first step to getting out of the cycle is to step back and realize this is what they are doing.
Take a look at the flowchart below and see if you recognize a pattern with anyone you’re chronically frustrated with. If so, perhaps this is the moment when you get to make a different choice.
We hate believing that other people don’t behave ethically or fairly. We want others to have the same values and live them the way we do.
But lots of people just don’t. And the best thing you can do when you realize that is CHANGE how you deal with those people.
Limit your contact, stop taking their word as law, or even remove yourself from the connection.
The truth may piss you off, but then it will set you free.
