“I’d love to be more curious and less defensive with my partner, especially in moments of stress. But that’s so hard and I feel like I lose my sense of the ground when I’m triggered.”
If you’re like most of my clients, you know how you WANT to respond (calm, loving, thoughtful) when your loved one is upset, but when you feel threatened in any way, it’s hard to keep a cool head.
For example, my sweetie and I recently had a disagreement about something I did that he wasn’t comfortable with. Now, a part of me gets preeeeetty rebellious when someone tries to tell me what I can and cannot do. In fact, I’ve been known to quote Eric Cartman from South Park in his little voice, “WhatEVER, I do what I WANT!”
But that’s a joke that is only 15% serious, and in a time when my partner feels really uncomfortable about an action I’ve taken, it’s not the moment for my inner rebel to stomp around insisting upon full freedom.
So how do I stop myself from getting so reactive when people push my buttons?
Well my friend, this is the topic many people bring into their therapy! It certainly takes practice, but let’s talk about how to start.
First, get clear on your motivation because that’s going to be your fuel for making this change. WHY do you want to keep your cool?
For me, I really focus on the end goal of receiving the experience I want. I do NOT like drama or harsh conflict, so I’m going to put effort in to create experiences that are as kind as possible, even when things are going awry.
Once you know what motivates you to work on this, get curious about what helps you calm down. We all get agitated at times; is there anything you seek out while you’re trying to regain your center? For some people, it’s going on a walk and for others, it’s doing a meditation or some EFT tapping.
Whatever it is, you can try imagining something that raises your blood pressure and gets you mad, and THEN practice your calming mechanism.
For me at this stage in my personal work, it’s deep breathing and connecting with the younger child in me who is upset and giving her validation and care. I find that the anger in me needs to be met with my own attention, more than anything else.
And if you do that often enough, your parts may let you push Pause in the middle of a triggering situation, because they trust you will return to them and tend to their needs when things have settled down.
I watch my clients go through processes like this and I want to be clear that this is doable, but it takes time and practice.
Need help? Book a Magic Session with me or reach out for a consult.
