“I don’t have a hard time saying ‘No’ at work. I’m pretty good at boundaries there. Why am I having such difficulty setting boundaries with my friends?!”
This is question I get asked a lot–”why do I struggle with personal life stuff, but do so well at work?”
For high performers, often school or work was a safer space than home might have been, with more consistent rules and (hopefully) where emotional drama was minimal. Also, people enter the work force at an older age with more maturity. They’re able to “start fresh” or step into a more developed part of themselves in that new environment.
Even though we are grown now, the baggage we have with parts of our lives that were created in childhood or adolescence is waiting for us when we reengage in those areas. Trauma creates a stain on areas of our lives, just like physical locations can be tainted by negative experiences.
Good news/bad news
Bad news is yes, we associate trauma with certain areas of our lives (like creative expression or family or social circles) and we do have to work harder/differently in those spaces to find peace or success.
Good news is you ALREADY have this skill. It’s just in another area, but you can basically try to port it over or tap into that strength by calling that part of yourself forward.
For example, if you’re better at boundaries at work, can “Work you” show up to help you talk with your friend who is crossing a line?
It’s possible that the most evolved and updated parts of you can help the parts of you who are the most wounded. In fact, that’s often what we’re doing when we use IFS (the parts work I’ve discussed here) and bring mature loving care to younger parts of ourselves who are stuck in old baggage.
If you’re not sure how to get started with unpacking that baggage so you can struggle less in your personal relationships (or wherever your difficult area is), let’s talk.
