“I told my husband I felt really hurt by his actions and he got kind of defensive. Doesn’t he care about how he’s making me feel?”
Most of the time when we start difficult conversations, we really want the other person to understand our perspective. Maybe even to agree with it. And so we might start out by telling them how what they did hurt us.
But what does “hurt” really mean? And why do some people seem to get more defensive when we say it?
Credit: Workaholics on Comedy Central
Nobody wants to think of themselves as a person who causes pain. And while the word “hurt” conveys pain, but it also can be subtly coded as blame or judgement. As in “you caused me pain, therefore you did something bad.”
What happens when a person feels shamed or judged? They are likely to get defensive and not listen as well.
I tend to counsel my clients to stick with simpler feelings words like “sad,” “angry,” or “scared.” They are easier to understand and they stay with the person’s emotional experience, rather than focusing on harm being caused.
One of many “feelings wheels” you can find on the interwebs, based on the research of Dr. Gloria Wilcox
When talking about your upset feelings with someone, you want the repair conversation to be as productive as possible—so that you are more likely to get what you want.
When you focus on the simpler nature of how you feel, without using blame, it will help the other person to stay in the conversation, and hopefully participate with more care toward a shared solution.
