“I feel like I’ve worked on this before, but it’s still happening! Why can’t I get this to change?”
If you’re like most people I work with, you’re very smart and high-achieving. You know how to educate yourself and apply your learning to create change…which is why it’s even MORE frustrating when you keep trying to change something that just won’t budge.
Hmm..is this a choice, a habit, or a systemic issue?
Here are three questions you can ask about any pattern that you’re having a hard time shaking.
Is this pattern:
- a choice? (something you are actively choosing)
- a habit? (something you’ve always done)
- or a systemic issue? (something beyond just you)
I learned this reframe from one of my teachers, Francesca Mason Boring, at a Systemic Constellations training retreat.
If the pattern is coming from a choice, that may be the simplest to change.
For example, when I realized I was having a lot of relationship problems due to my conflict avoidance, I decided to stop running from hard conversations, which meant I had to find a new way to deal with them. It was messy and took time and effort, but gradually, my avoidance pattern changed.
If the pattern is happening as a habit, you’ll want to look at how the habit occurs and where you can plan ahead to interrupt it.
For example, if you realize you have a habit of being too complacent with friends or your partner, you can interrupt that habit by scheduling a monthly check-in with them to share any outstanding feedback or plan with an accountability buddy to process your feelings and then follow-up with your friends or partner.
if the pattern is coming from a systemic issue, you’ll want to look at bigger contributing factors to see what you can let go of, transform, or adapt to.
For example, if you’ve tried to speak up but you feel too afraid and unsure of what to do, you can consult with a Constellations facilitator, a shamanic practitioner or someone like me who does bigger picture transformational work.
Together we look through a wider lens to see how your family dealt with conflict, how your historical heritage affects you, and what unconscious contracts are may be messing with your best intentions to do it differently.
Figuring out which of these levels to intervene on will really help you stop spinning your wheels and start getting traction to produce real change.
