“I was such a hot mess last week. I had to get myself together before I could call you.”
Do you find yourself, like my client here, feeling like you have to be presentable BEFORE you can reach out for help?
I know this feeling. In my 20s, I found myself in a huge mess when my moving company fell through two days before I was supposed to move across the country. I felt so discombobulated that I couldn’t even pick up the phone to talk to my parents. I sat there for FIVE HOURS, just trying to figure out a plan before I felt like it was okay to reach out for help.
As a kid, if you often were left to muddle through difficulties on your own, you learned to not expect help. Many high performers I work with had parents who were physically or emotionally unable to help them. Or they even got in trouble for bringing problems to their parents. So they learned to only depend on themselves, and hide any messes from everyone…even people who could actually help.
Credit: SNL
This is similar to how some of us might feel like we have to get in better shape before showing up at the gym, or tidying up the house before the cleaners come over.
You know what festers when you hide? Shame.
You know what happens when you share or get help from compassionate people?
Shame dies down.
High performers are used to being successful at dealing with problems. Everyone thinks they can handle whatever is thrown at them…because most of the time, that’s true.
But this also means people in your life are not trained to double check on you. They aren’t likely to be watching you for signs that you might need help. So you’re going to have to ask directly, which I know can feel like failing.
Let’s be clear: asking for help is NOT a failure.
Maybe your parents didn’t understand that you needed more support, or they weren’t tolerant and kind when you struggled. But that’s not who you’re going to turn to now.
If you’ve been doing cool stuff in the world, you likely WILL find some kind people in your work or social circles who will be supportive when you ask for help.
You don’t have to wait until things actually fall apart. You deserve help just as you are, not after you clean up the edges.
Let this be your permission slip.
It’s okay to ask for help. In fact, it’s probably essential. And you’re worth helping.
