“I’ve been making a lot of changes in my life and I kind of don’t fit in my special interest groups anymore. How do I continue to be with my people when we no longer share as much in common?”
I had the opportunity to answer this question while sitting on a panel at a conference for business owners. This theme of grappling with identity shift and belonging popped up throughout the weekend. Several people said they almost didn’t come because they weren’t sure they fit anymore.
How do we allow ourselves to change when that can oust us from the communities we used to belong to?
Credit: MihkamiArt
I grew up not entirely fitting in in a number of ways. I was a transplant to the town where everyone else had been born. I was a latchkey kid with a single working mom, unlike most of my friends with two parents. I had an invisible disability.
So I know what it’s like to not quite fit. I know how it feels to outgrow a community. And I also have experience creating a fit into a new community.
If there’s a group you belong to that you don’t want to leave behind, but you’re also changing in ways that might not fit in, you can try adopting this mantra:
Don’t be scared and don’t be scary.
A dance teacher used to tell us this when she’d invite us to free dance and connect with each other outside of our structured choreography. No one wanted to move outside the structure, but she’d invite us to play outside the norms and then find our way back in, over and over.
When I don’t innately fit in, I start reminding myself that it’s okay to be different. That I’m not a bad person if I’m wearing the wrong shoes or have a different life path than the group. That’s how I stop being scared.
And then I face the group, not seeking for them to validate me or approve of my difference, but just being with them and letting them know with my energy that I’m okay. I’m a safe connection even though I’m different. That’s how I make sure I’m not scary.
Art Credit: MakeSunshineCo
Instead of dropping out of community just because you’re a bit different, why not try staying in and making space for that difference?
