“Rachel, I have to tell you about what’s happened since we worked together last spring.
The thing I got really clear on was that I didn’t have to change my boyfriend for it to be a good experience. When we talked about leaving him better than I found him, at first I thought I had to make him do something. But I realized that I needed to take space, and he gave me space, to let me take care of myself.
I wanted him to claim me. But you helped me realize that *I* had to claim me first.
It felt like it had to come from the outside, but through working with you, I started asking myself ‘what’s working for me, does this feel good, what do I want?’ Rather than waiting for HIM to ask me and make it a certain way for me.
I used to ask questions like ‘Oh, if this doesn’t work, will I have to go back to internet dating? Or will I just be alone forever?’ Those would make me feel like this relationship HAS to work. As I focused more on myself, nothing about the scenario changed, but these concerns faded. Those stopped being the questions I asked.
I started asking, ‘How can I make sure that I am left better than I was found?” How do I make this the best possible learning experience? How do I get the best out of this for myself?’
The best change was knowing how to return to myself. Having a center to come back to. The outcome didn’t matter as much as the practice. ‘Can I take care of myself in this scenario? Can I claim myself here? It changed the game from ‘how can I win him’ to ‘how can I claim myself in all of these moments, no matter what?’”